


My Undoing

by IsabellaJack



Series: Stucky One-Shots [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Infidelity, Heartbreak, Open Ending, Post-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 06:19:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18685834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsabellaJack/pseuds/IsabellaJack
Summary: He gulps at his audacity of using this chance. Of taking advantage of this proximity. And when he feels the arm tighten around him, pulling him closer, he is brought back to reality.





	My Undoing

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't really want to tag this story with anything simply for the fact that I want readers to unravel the plot as they go (Just like how they taught us in creative writing class). But I thought it may trigger some, therefore, I tagged the story with its respective tags. 
> 
> This story I worked on a while ago...and I'm experimenting of how to write just one scene where you actually 'show' more than 'tell'. Also, I was utterly blue when I wrote it. So I leave you with it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed creating it.

 

 

 

_ Our love _

_ was not  _

_ meant to be  _

_ it would stay forever _

_ as unsent letters _

_ dusting _

_ in the quiet basements _

_ of our hearts. _

 

_ -Atticus _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bucky gulps of what would be his third drink. 

He's not drunk yet. But he wants to be. Just for tonight. 

The thing is...he's not a drinker. Not really. But he doesn't know where to go or what to do.

The bar counter is semi-clean but Bucky doesn't care as he slides his arm over it and rests his head there as he stares at nothing. His eyesight though is directed at the door of the bar. It's at least fun this way. He can see so many different people coming and going. Good enough for a distraction.

Dave Matthew Band’s 'Crash Into Me' comes on and Bucky groans. He closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of his arm. His mind fills him with memories of a bad karaoke night, butchered lyrics, stumbling through the dance floor and hysterical laughter. 

It was their song.

After the song ends and another one comes on, Bucky goes back to people watching. The door opens and in comes the source of his own dilemma.

Bucky blinks twice and then groans again. 

Steve Rogers comes inside looking impeccable as always. A dream. 

Bucky watches tiredly as Steve stands by the door, looking, and stops in his tracks when he catches the eyes of Bucky. 

Bucky hides again bringing his other arm and folding it over his head. 

His stomach is getting nauseous with the sticky counter and smell of whiskey and everything around him. Yet, the fact that Steve is heading his way is probably the main reason why.

His heart is beating so fast and there's thrumming in his head. He really wants to lift his head up for he feels suffocated by his own breath.

“You could've at least replied to any of the texts,” Steve says next to him.

Bucky doesn't budge and continues to bury his face in. 

“You got us worried. I've been looking everywhere for you, Buck.”

Bucky snickers and finally lifts his head up. He squints and sways a bit on the bar stool. Out of the corner of his eye, Steve's hand comes up to steady him but Bucky flinches away. Steve’s eyes flicker with hurt but Bucky doesn't really care. 

“Well, I've been running away from you.”

He wants to twist the knife and let them both bleed. 

Steve stares his way, nothing on his face but determination. Bucky turns to the bartender. “One more please.”

“Come on, I'm taking you home.”

“You're not taking me anywhere, pal,” Bucky says before gulping the new drink he's handed. 

He feels Steve stand and reach for his hand. “How many of these have you had?”

Bucky grimaces and then narrows his eyes at Steve. “Don't worry. I'm not an alcoholic or even a heavy drinker.”

He gets up just so he can show him but fails as he sways. This time Steve catches him, arm around the waist, bringing him closer to his body. Chest to chest. Flesh to flesh. 

And Bucky huffs and flails with his arms, not wanting to touch the guy anywhere but Steve mistakes it for imbalance. 

“Easy there,” Steve murmurs so softly. 

And Bucky for one second, just one second wants to feel what it's like to be this close. Even through clothes and leather jackets between them, Bucky can feel the heat of their bodies. Together. 

He knows he doesn't have the right. He definitely doesn't.

But he finally brings his arms up and puts his hands on top of those broad shoulders.

He lets out a shaky breath as he stares at a spot on Steve's collarbone peeking from the blue t-shirt he's wearing.

He's imagined it so many times. What it would be like to touch him. To be close to him. To feel him pressed against him. To feel his breath on him. Bucky shudders lightly and feels a bit dazed. 

He gulps at his audacity of using this chance. Of taking advantage of this proximity. And when he feels the arm tighten around him, pulling him closer, he is brought back to reality.

He pushes back forcefully, earning a grunt from Steve. Bucky trips back and holds on to the counter just in time. 

“Get away from me,” Bucky says as he pushes his own wild hair back, wondering where his hair band went to. So, he runs his hands through the greasy hair and leaves in the opposite direction of the door.

“Where are you going?” Steve asks right behind him.

“What's it to you?” Bucky throws back over his shoulder.

He goes through the back door and right into the fresh air.

He welcomes it for few minutes before he feels Steve behind him. 

“Bucky, I'm taking you home. Let's go.”

Bucky feels tired. He wants this all to end. 

He turns around and leans against the damp wall. “Leave me the fuck alone, Rogers. It's bad enough that I can't escape you. Even in my own head.”

Steve stands right in front of him. There's a frown on his face but the hurt is still there in his eyes. His blue eyes that used to laugh at every joke Bucky shared. That used to look at him in wonder. Those eyes that Bucky never stopped drowning in. 

“Buck…” Steve says softly, almost like a prayer. 

And Bucky feels his knees buckle, so his hand reaches for the wall behind him, holding on. 

Steve takes two steps toward him and Bucky holds his breath, fearing he'd take that final step. The one they've been dancing around. The one they've skirted but never taken. 

“You think you're the only one here…”

“Shut up,” Bucky mutters.

Steve takes half a step. His hand reaches but rests on the wall next to Bucky’s head. So close but not touching.

“We’re  in the same boat, Buck. You and I.”

Bucky shakes his head. “No. You’re engaged. A man to be married. To one of my best friends. You shouldn't be in the same fucking boat.”

Steve casts his eyes down and Bucky melts again at those eyelashes, just sweeping down on his cheek.

Bucky sighs for the hundredth time that night and gazes at the man of his dreams _and_ nightmares. With hooded eyes, he can't help but remember that moment. The first time he saw him.

“It's your fault, you know,” Bucky says, a hint of helpless laughter in his voice. “Who the fuck doesn't like taking pictures?”

Steve honest-to-God laughs, head still down. “How is that relative?”

Bucky nods slightly, the rough brick wall behind him scratching his head. He smiles sadly. 

“You know what's funny?”

“Hmm.” Steve leans over, inching closer but never close enough. Never  damning . 

“That day at the airport…” Bucky clears his throat when he realizes that it's wavering. Steve’s sad eyes aren't helping. “When I first laid eyes on you coming down the escalators, I swear to God I conjured up a plan on how to walk up to you and ask you out. I had this notion of dropping the sign I was holding for your name and ditching picking up Sharon’s stupid fiancé for you.”

“I wish you did,” Steve says with a stupid smile.

Bucky snickers. “Why? So you’d laugh at me?”

Steve shakes his head, flexing his arm and Bucky feels that hand brushing the hair over his shoulder. 

“It would've been a funny story.”

Bucky shrugs, eyes seeking Steve’s. “Don't you think we already are a funny story?”

Steve lifts his head up, folding his lips in as his eyes roam all over Bucky’s face. “I don't regret meeting you, Bucky.”

“No?” Bucky cocks his head to the left. 

“No. I regret the timing. Why didn't you show up first in my life?”

“Story of my life,” Bucky mutters in resignation. “Always coming second.”

Steve’s eyes are watering and Bucky really can't stand this. He closes his eyes to escape.

“Bucky…”

“Don't.”

“You're not a second.”

Bucky covers his own face with one shaky hand and laughs into his palm. “Shut up. God… we only met six months ago...this can't be normal.”

“Love isn't.”

Bucky’s eyes shoot open. “Don't call it that.”

Steve purses his lips. “Oh yeah? So what do ya call this?”

Bucky lifts his head in defiance and lies through his teeth for one last fight. “Attraction. Infatuation. Lust.”

Steve leans closer. “If it were that,” and he leans closer… “lust,” and now he's few inches away. Bucky can feel his warm breath caressing his lips. “You would've done something about it. I would've done something about it. We would've done something. Anything about it. Would've gotten it out of our system...but we didn't.”

Bucky’s eyes are frantic as his heart beats wildly in his chest. He’ll never be that guy. He won't. He kept it together all this time. 

“Please,” his voice is breaking.

Steve gulps and takes one step away. “Don't worry. I'm not that guy. And you're not that guy either.”

“Says the guy who's cheating-”

“I'm not cheating,” Steve says through gritted teeth. 

“Then what do you call _all of this_? Us? Here? In a back alley?”

Steve takes two more steps away from Bucky and the latter misses the warmth. The temptation. He desperately wants to ask Steve to come back. To be closer. To smell him. 

“I'm breaking off the engagement,” Steve says, shoulders tense and back straight, hands in his pockets. 

Bucky feels like he's watching a train about to crash. “No, Steve-”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, please. I'll go away-I'll go back to Afghanistan-”

“Bucky!” And Steve holds his shoulders, stabilizing him. “I told you I'm not dishonest. I'm not that guy. I'm man enough to admit that I've emotionally cheated on my fiancé. And I can't live a lie.”

“Please,” Bucky’s eyes are tearing up. 

“I'm not gonna do that to her. God knows she deserves better.” And Steve's eyes betray him too. “I'm not gonna lie to her. Pledge my heart to her when it belongs to someone else.”

“You don't know that.” Bucky wipes his tear stained cheeks with this back of his hand. “This is just a-a-phase, a crush, a-a…”

Steve brings the hand on Bucky’s shoulder to his cheek. And it makes Bucky pause. Still. Feel safe. Grounded. 

“I'm gonna end it tomorrow and then by the end of the week, I'll come to see you and kiss you.”

Bucky smiles sadly in spite of the ridiculousness he's hearing. “You don't even know if I’m a good kisser or not.”

Steve comes closer and rests his forehead against his and this time Bucky can't stop shaking. Fire runs through him and he doesn't feel like he can breathe. 

“I don't need to know," Steve whispers. "All I gotta do is look at the shape of your lips and know that they’ll be my undoing.”

Bucky tries not to show how that made him melt inside. So he snorts and mutters, “Charming as ever.”

And time stops when he feels Steve's fingertips touch Bucky’s lips for mere seconds. 

They both look at each other, breathless, motionless as the moment stills. 

Bucky breathes him, savors the taste of that skin. Those fingertips are gentle on his own lips. He closes his eyes, mourning the fact that he wouldn't feel them against his body. His whole body.

Steve’s breath caresses his cheek and his nose kisses under his jaw. “You have bewitched me, James Buchanan Barnes.”

Bucky’s heart breaks again. If he moves just a bit, angles his head to the right, an inch, he’d have that mouth. He’d taste it. He’d put an end to his misery, to his haunting dreams.

But he doesn’t.

“I have never felt like this toward anyone. In my entire life.”

“Please,” Bucky whispers and it comes out like a gasp. “Stop talking.”

“I’m finally found.”

A tear falls down Bucky's face. “Steve…”

“Say it again,” Steve whispers against his cheek. “Please.”

Bucky opens his eyes and sees that Steve has closed his. “Steve.”

Loud noises and laughter break the spell. 

Bucky jolts and Steve straightens. But he doesn’t step away. He’s in a protective stance, blocking Bucky from the view of a rowdy group of people, who are clearly drunk. Luckily, they're walking away. 

Bucky clears his throat and his head. He gently puts his hands on Steve’s chest slowly pushes him away. He needs to say it.

Steve, ever the stubborn, covers Bucky’s hands with his. 

“Even if you break it off-”

“ _When_ I break it off.”

Bucky smiles sadly and looks him straight in the eye. “I wouldn’t follow you, Steve. It’s not right. I can’t do that to her.”

Steve smiles and it’s sad too. “I know. And that’s why I love you.”

Bucky stares at him as Steve steps back further and further. Distancing himself from Bucky. 

And Bucky feels his soul is leaving his body by the second.

Steve puts his hands in his pockets and lets out a wet laugh before wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “I’ll wait for you.”

Bucky makes sure his voice is steady when he says, “I’m not coming.”

“This is my vow. To you,” Steve spreads his arms wide. “As God is my witness, I’ll wait. However long it takes.”

Bucky’s eyes are brimming with tears and he smiles through them. 

“I won’t follow.”

Steve puts his hand over his own chest. “My heart is yours. You own me. Whether you come...you follow...it’s your decision. But I want you to know. I’m yours. Forever. To the end of the line.”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say to that.  


So he smiles goodbye. But his mouth can’t stay silent. He needs to at least say what his heart is telling him. He owes Steve that. 

“You’re my forever, Steve Rogers.”

Steve nods, tears finally running down his cheeks. He looks away a bit before looking back at Bucky. He chuckles. 

“How about a hug? Before I leave.”

“If I hug you, I won't let go.” Bucky presses his palms against the brick wall behind him again to stop himself.

Steve nods. “Handshake?”

Bucky lets out a wet laugh and Steve joins him.

Seconds later, when they're both recovered, Bucky offers, “How about just a one last look?”

Steve smiles, and then gazes at him so heartbreakingly that Bucky closes his eyes. 

He takes deep breaths and then opens them back after ten seconds.

Steve is nowhere to be seen. 

He is gone. 

And he took Bucky’s heart with him. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated :)


End file.
